The story book roots of effective coaching conversations

“Are you sitting comfortably?” … “Then I’ll begin” … “Once upon a time, there was …” Insert the main character, the protagonist, and usually “the baddie” or antagonist … then something complicated, dramatic, or difficult happens, which begins to resolve … “and they all lived happily ever after,” or at least the characters move towards a resolution of the story.

For those of us who grew up in Western culture, as well as in many other cultures, this structure is deeply ingrained in our psyches from infancy. The beginning, middle, and ending structure is often attributed to Aristotle’s Poetics, though some believe Aristotle favoured a two-stage approach. Others suggest that the structure’s origin lies with screenwriter Syd Field in 1979.

For those born before 1979, this structure resonates as a long-held tradition. Personally, it is a comforting framework rooted in my early childhood, at school, at home with my family, and listening to the radio. In the creative world, these three stages are referred to as:

• Exposition – the setup
• Confrontation – rising action
• Resolution – the conclusion

These terms also apply neatly within the coaching sphere.

Beginnings in coaching

Much like the nursery experience described above, the setup in coaching involves attending to our collective presence as client and coach. The “Are you sitting comfortably?” question is analogous to the start of a coaching session.

While we don’t use the same pre-school language, many grounding and breathing techniques embody this concept. We signal that something significant is about to occur, bringing both us and our clients into a state of presence - not just the rational, task-focused mode we often live in.

Helping clients to arrive

We need to help our clients arrive fully in the moment. Allowing space for both ourselves and our clients to take a breath and pause helps with focus. After all, we don’t know the stresses they bring with them, and we must also set aside our own external thoughts.

Creating the space

Beyond physical preparation, building or extending bonds of trust is essential. Each session requires an agreement on ways of working, typically including our shared understanding of confidentiality and the elements that create a sacred space for coaching.

Only after this setup can we move towards the end of the beginning - inviting the client to share their story, their topic, and helping us understand their world and the work ahead. This might take some time. Once we have a sense of what’s going on, we can help focus on how the client wants to spend their coaching time.

Clarity of purpose

Stephen Covey speaks of starting with the end goal in mind. What does the client want to reflect on and say they gained from their time with the coach? This may or may not be a specific goal. What’s crucial is clarity about our purpose in the work. Once the desired outcomes are reiterated and confirmed, we near the end of the beginning and shift towards what many call “the messy middle.”

The middles in coaching

In theatrical terms, this is the “confrontation” phase. Similarly, in coaching, this is when we need a deeper understanding of what’s really happening. What has already been explored? What else lies beneath the surface?

Resisting the urge to fix

At this stage, we must metaphorically “sit on our hands,” especially when the subject matter is familiar. As coaches, there’s a temptation to jump in and start fixing things. But our role is not to leap in like a superhero.

Coaching often delves into emotional landscapes, requiring reassurance and reaffirming the agreements made at the beginning. Creating a safe environment is essential for clients to voice difficult issues.

Creativity in the process

Rational, logical exploration alone is rarely enough to inspire breakthrough thinking. This is where creativity can be a powerful support. In the messy middle, clients may feel stuck, and as coaches, we may again be tempted by solutionism. However, sometimes the pressure of time sparks new insights.

Recognising the shift

Gradually, the client will show signs that this phase is ending. These “tells” may include silence, a change in language (such as shifting to future tense), or laying out options. Throughout this process, a coach’s role is to reference the desired outcomes and manage both time and progress.

Endings in coaching

This is the resolution phase, where reflection becomes key. What has been learned in the process? Ideally, coaching has sparked new awareness in the client. At this stage, our role as coaches is to hold the client accountable for their development and next steps.

Honouring the work

It’s important to honour both the work and the relationship, celebrating the outcomes - whatever they are. Boundaries between coach and client must be confronted and managed. After such intimate work, it can be challenging to let go, and the risk of dependency must be recognised. This is where re-contracting for the future nature of communication and connection is essential.

Navigating emotions

Endings are often tinged with sadness, and it’s important to acknowledge these emotions for both parties. Unlike the storybook ending of “happily ever after,” the reality is that both client and coach will have been enriched and learned. When managed well, the impact of this learning will endure. For the coach, the reflective journey informs future coaching, while for the client, they move forward with a deeper understanding of themselves - ideally, continuing their development journey independently of the coach.